...continued from Part Three...
Roger: Long ago you might've lit up my heart. But the fire is dead - ain't never ever gonna start.
MIKE: (sighs) No comment.
We'd be in outer space.
ALL: Huh????
MIKE: Maybe the "Star Wars" phenomenon really got to them, too.
TOM: A long time ago in a crappy flat far far away...
It'd be another song. We'd sing another way.
MIKE: Oh, you can just do that right now. I don't think she'd mind. I know I wouldn't!
|
Mimi & others: There's only now, there's only here | Roger: Who do you think you are? |
CROW: Oh great, I always lose them when they start singing together.
TOM: I like to pretend they're singing in a different language, just for these parts, you know, "thereswhoonlydonowyoutheresthinkonlyyouarehere".
MIKE: (sighs) Sure, Tom.
Steve: Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?
TOM: I don't know already!!! Stop asking me!!!!!
Three Homeless People: Christmas bells are ringing, Christmas bells are rigning, Christmas bells are ringing - out of town. Santa Fe
CROW: Please tell me they didn't just rip off "Newsies".
MIKE: No, Crow. I don't think even "Newsies" was this bad.
Squeegieman: Honest living, man! Feliz Navidad!
CROW: Well, now there's an odd profession. I've never heard of a "feliz navidad".
TOM: I wonder if I could become one.
Mark: Smile for Ted Koppel, Officer Martin.
MIKE (Ted Koppel): Shows that everybody likes, but that aren't very good. That's tonight on "Nightline" after your local news.
Blanket Person: Let's go - this lot is full of motherfucking artists.
CROW: Well, I knew artists were weird, but--
MIKE: Don't even go there, Crow!
TOM: Hmmm. I didn't know Oedipus was a painter.
Angel: New York City
Mark: Uh huh
Angel: Center of the universe
MIKE: Somebody tell them that being on Letterman isn't that great of an accomplishment anymore!
Collins: Sing it, girl-
CROW: Wait...I'm confused? I thought he was a--
MIKE: *Special people*, remember Crow? *Special people*.
Angel: It's a comfort to know when you're singing the hit the road blues that anywhere else you could possibly go after New York would be a pleasure cruise.
TOM (Kathie Lee Gifford): If they could see me now, I'm wearing women's clothes! I'm getting paid eight times a week to do crappy shows!
Collins: Well, I'm thwarted by a metaphysic puzzle.
MIKE: Again with the dictionary words? Okay, you're smart -- *we get it*!
I'm shouting in my sleep, I need a muzzle.
TOM: Hey, you said it...
All this misery pays no salary, so. Let's open up a restaurant in Santa FE.
CROW: Oh yeah. Restaurants are closing at a record rate. Losing my life savings would really cheer me up, too.
Collins: I teach. Computer Age Philosophy. But my students would rather watch TV
MIKE: So would I!
TOM: Heck, I'd even watch the NBC Monday Night Mystery Movie!
MIKE: Tom, I'm gonna forget you just said that!!!
Collins: You're a sensitive aesthete. Brush the sauce onto the meat.
CROW: Hmmm. Subtle commentary on the kind of jobs filmmakers can get nowadays?
TOM: You know what I don't get? If they have to work in restaurants as waiters because they're starving artists, then can't they just eat at the restaurant?
MIKE: Uh...that's too deep for me, Tom.
Chatting not about Heidigger, but wine!
TOM: Oh, I just love chatting about Heiddiger.
CROW: It's really the most fascinating topic.
TOM: Of course, it's all the more interesting when you actually know what---
MIKE: Okay, guys. Once was funny...
Collins: We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe. And save from devastation our brains
MIKE: Maybe you might want to invest in some grammar courses while you're at it.
CROW: Isn't this guy a teacher?
TOM: The state of our educational system, Exhibit A.
All: Forget this cold Bohemian hell.
CROW: See, can anyone else see how they're suffering in this show?
MIKE: (thinking) That *could* be a fire reference...
Angel: Live in my house. I'll be your shelter. Just pay me back. With one thousand kisses.
TOM: How's he gonna pay *that* rent? (Mike shakes his head, sadly)
Both: I think they meant it when they said you can't buy love
TOM: Yeah, remember they also said you can't *hurry* love. Isn't this moving in together just a little sudden?
MIKE: *Tom*! *Special people*, remember?
Now I know you can rent it. A new lease you are, my love
CROW: Okay, I could handle the shameless fire references. The shameless cat references were okay. But when you start putting in shameless promotions for your own show, you've gone too far!
On life - be my life. Just slip me on. I'll be your blanket. Wherever - whatever - I'll be your coat
MIKE: I thought his coat was stolen.
TOM: Foreshadowing about how long this relationship may last?
Collins: No, you'll be my queen and I'll be your moat
ALL: Huh????
Collins: So with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you
MIKE: Again with the singing together?
CROW: Not again!
TOM: I don't think I have enough brain power for this show.
Joanne: (cell phone) Steve-Joanne. The Murget case. A dismissal! Good work, Counselor. We're okay
TOM: Hey, get the other phone!
(pay phone) Honeybear - wait! I'm on the other phone. Yes I have the cowbell.
CROW: Hey, what you do on your own time--
MIKE: Don't start, Crow.
We're okay
TOM: Wait...so who's she talking to now?
(cell phone) So tell them we'll sue but a settlement will do. Sexual harassment and civil rights too.
CROW: Well, you get me that chick in the vinyl and I'll show you sexual harassment...
MIKE: CROW!!!! This show is about *diversity*, not *perversity*.
Steve, you're great (pay phone) No you cut the paper plate.
ALL: Huh????
CROW: WHat you do with your own time-- (Mike clamps Crow's beak shut.)
(cell phone call waiting) Hello?
TOM: So, who *is* she talking to?
Dad - yes I beeped you.
MIKE: Huh? I don't like this song! Make it stop!
(pay phone) Honey - what? Newt's lesbian sister, I'll tell them. (cell phone) You heard? (pay phone) They heard. We're okay.
TOM: Don't even try and make me believe that Newt Gingrich would want to be associated with this show!
CROW: (pouting) If he shows up instead of Santa Claus, I'm demanding my money back!
(cell phone) And to you Dad (pay phone) Yes - Jill is there?
TOM: (thinking) So...now she's talking to four people at once?
CROW: No heat, no electricity, yet she has *conference calling*?
Five Homeless People: Christmas bells are ringing, Christmas bells are ringing, Christmas bells are singing.
CROW: Hey, the carolers are back!
TOM: Do you think we can make requests?
(Squeegieman: Honest living, honest living, honest living, honest living)
MIKE: All right, we get it!!!! Sheesh, first this show uses big words 'cause it thinks we're smart, now it repeats everything five hundred times 'cause it thinks we're dumb!
All Five Homeless: No sleigh bells. No Santa Claus.
CROW: Don't remind me!!!
Soloist: "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer"
TOM (Crow): Where? Where? I don't see any reindeer! Oh, when will this show stop toying with my mind?
Vendors: Hats, bats, shoes, booze, mountain bikes, potpourri, leather bags, girlie mags, forty fives, AZT
MIKE: Geez, when they say diversity, they mean *diversity*.
TOM: Yeah, like there are actually stores that sell both forty-fives and girly mags. I mean, if I knew stores like that actually existed, I could die happy. (Mike stifles laughter.)
Vendor #1: No one's buying. Feel like crying
CROW: Now that you mention it...
All: No room at the Holiday Inn, oh no. And it's beginning to snow
MIKE (Announcer): New, all-purpose carolers! They make social protests *and* give weather reports! Also make great fries!
Vendor #2: I got a tweed broken in by a greedy broker who went broke and then broke down
TOM: Say *that* five times fast.
Angel: Hush your mouth, it's Christmas
TOM: Wow, not only is he fulfulling the stereotype of the caring cross dresser, but of the kind African American mammy.
MIKE: You see, this show offends on a number of levels.
|
Collins: Give - give | Angel: Wait! What's on the floor? |