...continued from Part Two...
MIKE: Uh oh -- more answering machine! (All plug their ears)
TOM: Phew! No more annoyiing messages.
Mrs. Jefferson: Remind her that those unwed mothers in Harlem need her legal help too
CROW: Oh sure. How much do unwed mothers in Harlem *really* need a stage manager?
Mr. Jefferson: Oh yes - kitten.
CROW: Uh oh, is this guy one of those "sensitive" types who likes to talk to animals?
TOM: In person is a little weird, but over an answering machine? This guy needs help!
Mr. Jefferson: For Mummy's sake, kitten. No Doc Martens this time. And wear a dress...
TOM: That horrible man! Making that poor cat wear a dress! Call the ASPCA!
CROW (Sensitive hippie guy): Animals are people too!
Oh and kitten - have a merry
Mrs. Jefferson: And a bra!!
CROW: Hey, that's just what I asked for for-- (Mike clamps Crow's beak shut.)
Mark & Collins: Bustelo - Marlboro. Banana by the bunch. A box of Captain Crunch will taste so good
MIKE: Geez, I guess these guys haven't eaten in a long time. Since when does a box of Captain Crunch taste *good*?
Collins: And firewood
TOM: Huh? Well, I guess if you're starving...
Mark: Look - it's Santa Claus
CROW: Where?? I don't see him!! Oh, when will this show stop toying with my mind?
Collins: This boy could use some stoli
TOM: I could use some stoli.
CROW: Me too.
TOM: Be nice if I actually knew what it was, though.
CROW: Yeah, tell me about it.
Collins: And you should hear her beat!
TOM: Her? Isn't that a guy?
MIKE: Tom, do I have to give you the Ru Paul speech again?
CROW (Ru Paul): (sings) Turn to the left, turn to the right...
Angel: This akita-Evita - just won't shut up.
TOM: I'll bet. Ever since she won her Golden Globe, that Madonna has been unbearable!
Like Thelma and Louise did when they got the blues. Swan dove into the courtyard of the gracie mews.
CROW: But, Thelma and Louise didn't *die*, right? They just made a really long jump in their car. They made it to the other side. (panics) Didn't they? That's what you told me, Mike! Didn't they?
MIKE: Shhh. Not now, Crow!
Benny: Hey you bum - yeah, you, move over. Get your ass off that Range Rover
TOM (Butthead): Huh huh. He said "ass".
CROW (Beavis): Yeah, yeah! This show is cool!
MIKE: Guys, don't even joke about that.
Collins: Happy Birthday, Jesus!
MIKE: (sings) How old are you now? How old are you now?
Benny: I'll forego your rent and on paper guarantee that you can stay here for free if you do me one small favor
CROW: Oh, come on -- they may be broke, but they have *some* standards-- (Mike clamps Crow's beak shut)
Roger: You can't quietly wipe out an entire tent city then watch "It's A Wonderful Life" on TV!
MIKE (Little girl): Every time the phone rings, somebody with a bad voice sings!
Benny: You want to produce films and write songs? You need somewhere to do it! It's what we used to dream about. Think twice before you pooh-pooh it.
TOM (Beavis): Heh, heh. He said--
MIKE: Okay, guys. Enough is enough.
Angel: That boy could use some Prozac.
MIKE: This *show* could use some Prozac.
Roger: Or heavy drugs
MIKE: Those too
Mark: Or group hugs
MIKE: Oh! Let's not go there!
Mark: There's another way. Say something - anything
CROW: I love that movie!!!
TOM (John Cusack): I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen!
CROW: I gave Dr. Forrester my trust and he gave us this show!
Joanne: This is weird
Mark: It's weird
Joanne: Very weird
Mark: Fuckin' weird
MIKE (Teacher): All right, class, what is this?
TOM & CROW: (tiredly) Weird.
Mark: Feel like going insane, got a fire in your brain, and you're thinking of drinking gasoline?
MIKE: As a matter of fact...
Joanne: As a matter of fact--
MIKE: Hey!
Joanne: This is spooky
ALL: Auuuuugh, they sent us "The X-Files" instead!!!
TOM (Mulder): Do you think I'm spooky?
CROW: I'll give you spooky -- Gillian Anderson winning over Sherry Stringfield for best actress!
MIKE
Joanne: I'm getting nauseous
CROW: You're not the only one!
Mark: It's hard to do this backwards.
Joanne: You should try it in heels!
CROW: Uh, I think he already did. MIKE: No, Crow, that was the other guy...er...girl...er...wait, maybe you're right!
TOM: Geez, I can't keep *anybody* in this show straight!
CROW: Actually, Tom I think if you dress like that, straight is not the--
MIKE: CROW!!!!!
She cheated
Mark: She cheated
Joanne: Maureen cheated
Mark: Fuckin' cheated
TOM: (sings) Your cheatin' heart will make you weep...
CROW: Yeah, I could use some Pepsi right about now.
Both: But the end it will come, still you have to play dumb til you're glum and you bum and turn blue
TOM: Again with the turning blue? I may have to write this show up for discrimination against colored objects!
Steve: Steve.
ALL: (bored) Hi, Steve.
Gordon: Gordon.
ALL: (bored) Hi, Gordon.
Pam: Pam.
ALL: (bored) Hi, Pam.
Sue: Sue.
ALL: (bored) Hi, Sue.
Angel: Hi, I'm Angel.
MIKE (Angel): And I like to dress up in women's clothing.
TOM & CROW: (bored) Hi, Angel.
Paul: And you are?
TOM (Anthony Rapp): Sorely overlooked for my work in this show!
CROW: Asked and answered. Next!
Mark: Oh - I'm not - I'm just here to - I don't have - I'm here with - Mark,
CROW: He's here with Mark? But I thought--
MIKE: Remember, Crow, this show is about *special people*.
TOM: I think that apartment causes stuttering. First the other guy, now him.
Gordon: What do you mean?
Paul: How do you feel today?
TOM: Wait -- all he did was repeat the question! This show has no depth at all!
MIKE: Tom, you're finally starting to catch on.
Gordon: I'm a New Yorker. Fear's my life!
MIKE: Yeah. Not just anybody can ride in those cabs with the scary drivers.
Mimi: What's the time?
CROW: (sings) Four-thirty.
TOM: Well if she knew the time, why did she bother asking? I hate this show!
My body's talking to me. It says, "Time for danger"
CROW: My body talks to me too sometimes, it says-- (Mike clamps Crow's beak shut.)
I wanna put on a tight skirt and flirt with a stranger
MIKE: Oh you mean you want to be yourself.
I know someplace sick where this chick'll dance in the flames.
MIKE: More fire references. What a shock. I really think I'm in for it after I see this show.
We don't need any money.
CROW: (sings) We don't need no education.
TOM: Or good voices.
MIKE: Or manners.
Meow..
CROW (Mike): Again with the cats! I think this show is trying to tell us something!
TOM: Yeah. I all of a sudden have a craving for Fancy Feast! Oh no! (Mike hits both Tom and Crow over the head)
That you're on line with the feline of Avenue B
TOM: Excuse me, I have to go use the litterbox. (Mike hits Tom over the head again)
So let's find a bar
CROW: Tired of getting lame roles in shows that only allow you to wear vinyl?
TOM: Sick of sounding like a bad version of every female vocalist on the radio?
MIKE: Try booze!
Wanna wail at the moon like a cat in heat?
(Tom starts licking his "paws". Mike hits him over the head.)
Roger: Who do you think you are? Barging in on me and my guitar.
TOM: Yeah, he doesn't need to make out with her, he's got his guitar!
CROW: What you do with your guitar is your own--
MIKE: CROW!!!!!
Little girl - hey. The door is that way.
CROW: Oh, they're perfect for each other -- they can't sing, their clothes are tacky, and they're both rude!
Our temperature would climb.
CROW: (sings) I got chills, they're multiplying.
MIKE: No, that's a *good* show!
Looking for romance?
TOM (Receptionist): I'm sorry, she's not in right now, can I take a message?
Mimi: The heart may freeze or it can burn
MIKE: Well, she really covered all her bases there.
CROW: No mention of the fire thing, Mike? I'm proud of you.
TOM: (sings) I'm gonna wash that moonlight out of my hair, I'm gonna wash that moonlight out of my hair...