...continued from Part Seven...
Mimi: How long til next year?
CROW: Here's an idea -- invest your money in a watch instead of more tight vinyl outfits!
Roger: Three and a half minutes.
MIKE: Oh, like he could measure a half a minute! I haven't exactly seen him wearing a watch either!
TOM: Don't you see, they probably have a television, which would make so much sense, seeing as they neither heat nor electricity.
CROW: Nor a place to live. Aren't they trying to break back *in* to their building?
Mimi: I'm giving up my vices. I'm going back - back to school
(All stifle their laughter.)
MIKE: Hey, somebody tell her you can't go back to where you never were in the first place!
TOM: One of this show's many nuances...
ALL: That suck!
I couldn't crack the love code dear til you made the lock on my heart explode.
CROW: Aw, isn't that cute? Isn't that sweet? Isn't that -- I think I'm going to be sick.
Mark: There isn't much time
MIKE: Since when does *he* own a watch?
(All look at each other.)
ALL: Television.
Mimi: Maybe they're dressing. I mean, what does one wear that's apropo for a party that's also a crime?
CROW: Well, certainly not that! That outfit is a crime in and of itself!
Maureen: Chips - anyone?
TOM: Hey, you're right -- meet people and eat food. That's all this show is!
MIKE: And you wonder why the American public loves it so much?
Mark: You can take the girl out of Hicksville but you can't take the Hicksville out of the girl
CROW: Yeah, and you can take the actors out of a bad show, but you can't take a bad show out of the...wait, it worked just a minute ago!
MIKE: Sure, Crow.
Maureen: My riot got you on TV, I deserve a royalty
TOM: (sighs) American capitalism at its finest!
CROW: Where people get money for bad movies, that's the land for me!
Mimi: Be nice you two or no god awful champagne
CROW (Mimi): Don't make me hurt you! Although, that *is* my job--
MIKE: CROW!!!!
Roger: Bolted plywood, padlocked with a chain. A total dead end.
Maureen: Just like my ex-girlfriend.
TOM: Are *all* artists this rude, or is just them?
MIKE: Just them.
TOM: I thought so.
Honey...? I know you're there. Please pick up the phone. Are you okay?
CROW (Joanne): I've fallen into a bad show...and I can't get up!
How can I atone? Are you okay?
TOM: Even if she *was* okay, it's not like she could tell her seeing as she's not home!
MIKE: Okay, that was just *one* too many feminine pronouns in that sentence, Tom.
Give me one more chance, let me be your slave.
CROW: Oh, Joanne, take her back, take her back! I gotta see this!
MIKE: Crow, I'm getting out the duct tape *now*!
Your every wish I will obey
CROW (Genie): (sings) You ain't never had a lesbian like me!
Joanne: Heel...stay.
TOM: *More* dog references??? She and Benny should get together, or something. Two of the same species.
CROW: Yeah, but just don't put either of them near Mimi.
ALL: She thinks she's a cat!
I did a bit of research with my friends at Legal Aid. Technically, you're squatters
CROW: The exposition is flying fast and furiously!
TOM: As are the technical terms!
MIKE: I think this is just like one of those X-Files where Scully goes on for like fifteen minutes about some medical disorder, and it's just so the show can prove that they're like smart and they know about real stuff like that.
CROW: *Who* needs their TV taken away, again, Mike?
Mark & Joanne: Rope!
TOM: Is that the only thing they could come up with to rhyme?
CROW: What about "dope"? There seems to be plenty of that going around!
MIKE: No, you see Crow -- "dope" is slang and artists don't know slang because they only get out of the house like once a year.
CROW: To see this show.
MIKE: Right.
TOM: Well, you've gotta give the show credit, I guess -- they knew their audience.
MIKE: Don't even joke about that, Tom.
Mark: We can hoist a line--
Joanne: To the fire escape--
Mark: And tie off at
Mark & Joanne: That bench!
ALL: Huh????
CROW: Mike, is this more of this "special people" stuff you were telling us about? Like, can they pull this off because they're special people?
MIKE: Find me the most special person you can -- *they* couldn't even pull this off.
Maureen: I can't take them as chums
(All stifle their laughter.)
TOM: Chums? Who uses that word anymore?
MIKE: Uh...artists?
TOM: Oh, right.
Joanne: Start hoisting...wench
CROW: Cat fight! Cat fight! Or...uh...dog and...what, cow fight?
MIKE: Something like that.
Roger: I think I should be laughing. Yet I forget, forget how to begin.
TOM: We hear you!
I'm feeling something inside and yet I still can't decide if I should hide or make a wide open grin.
CROW: I'm feeling something inside, but it sure ain't happiness.
Collins: Bond - James Bond
CROW: Hey, Mike? Wasn't James Bond the womanizer secret agent?
MIKE: Yeah.
CROW: (sighs) No comment.
Angel: And Pussy Galore - in person.
(All stifle their laughter.)
CROW: No comment.
Angel: I was a Boy Scout once and a Brownie until some brat got scared.
MIKE: Let's not even *go* there! I just had a $5 soda! (All shudder.)
Collins: Aha! Moneypenny - my martini
Mimi: Will bad champagne do?
TOM: Hey, Mimi -- go back to school! He asked for a martini, which is gin and vermouth -- not champagne!
Roger: That's shaken - not stirred
CROW: Ian Flemming is turning over in his grave.
MIKE: Crow, Ian Flemming isn't dead.
CROW: Exactly my point!
Collins: Pussy - the bolts
CROW: Wha--
MIKE: (wearily) Don't ask.
Mimi: Two minutes left to execute our plan
TOM: Well, if you knew the time then why'd you have to ask before, for the *love of God*!!!!
CROW: That's it. When we get home, I'm confiscating your "Tommy Boy" tape.
Collins: Where's everybody else?
Roger: Playing Spiderman
CROW: You know, Spiderman *would* save this show, but since he's probably not going to show up, it's kind of a moot point. (sighs)
MIKE: Crow, I'm proud of you. You're learning.
Mark: Once the boho boys are gone, the power mysteriously comes on.
TOM: Who are the boho boys?
MIKE: Maybe *they're* the ones that keep flashing the lights on Deep 13, since they seem to have the ability to turn the power on and off.
Mrs. Cohen: Mark, it's the wicked witch of the west, your mother
CROW (Wicked Witch of the West): I'll get you, my bad filmmaker! And your little camera too!!!!
Even your father says mazel tov.
MIKE: Offended Religion Total?
TOM: Still three. They've offended this one twice.
Mark: Oh, that show's so sleazy.
CROW: Hello, kettle?
Alexi Darling: I'm sending you a contract. Ker-ching, ker-ching.
TOM: A commentary on the constant American desire for money?
CROW: Or just a woman who makes noises like a cash register?
Marky, give us a call 970-4301. Or at home try 863-6754. Or my cell phone at 919-763-0090. Or you can e-mail me at Darling Alexi Newscom dot net. Or you can page me at--
CROW: Hey, she's cute! Let me write those numbers down!
He reaches for a pen, Mike stops him.
MIKE: Crow, do I have to give you the C.J. Parker Only Exists on TV lecture, again?
Mark: We?
TOM: Oh, come on! Her voice is so loud, even *I* heard that!
Joanne: That's selling out
MIKE: Yeah...kinda like taking a show meant for the denizens of New York's East side and moving it to the glitzy Nederlander Theater on Broadway.
Maureen: Yeah. It's network TV and it's all thanks to me
CROW: Is it just me or does she have no tact?
MIKE: Put it this way: it's not just you.
Mark: Somehow I think I smell the whiff of a scheme.
TOM: Schemes don't have smells, do they?
MIKE: Artists thing.
TOM: I hate this show.
Joanne: We?!
CROW: Yes *we*, what are you *deaf* or something? Mike, are all artists deaf?
MIKE: No, she's a lawyer.
CROW: Oh. 'Nuff said.
Benny: I see that you've beaten me to the punch.
TOM (Benny): But I hope you saved some for me.
CROW: I thought all they had was champagne.
Roger: How did you know we'd be here?
MIKE (Benny): My psychic ability.
Mark: You're not mad?
CROW (Benny): Mad? Why should I be mad? You just destroyed the five hours of work I spent padlocking this thing! It was a work of art, man! It was beautiful! (starts crying)
Benny: Mimi came to see me and she had much to say
MIKE: Somehow, I get the feeling this girl doesn't make her cases with *words*.
Benny: I couldn't stop thinking about the whole mess. Mark - you want to get this on film
TOM: Now I know why they don't like him. He's a camera-hog! Takes up all their airtime!
Roger: Circumstance? You padlocked our door
CROW (Benny): Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
Mark: I had no juice in my battery.
CROW: Well, there's your problem. Drink V-8 -- keep your camera straight!
TOM: I don't think straight is the word you want to--
MIKE: TOM!!!!