...continued from Part Eight...
Maureen: Were you planning on taking down the barbed wire from the lot too?
Roger: Anything but that!
CROW: I thought just Mimi was into...okay, okay, I'll stop.
Roger: Spare us old sport, the soundbite
MIKE: Spare us, old sport, the "old sport". I feel like I should be watching some British farce when they say stuff like that.
TOM: Mike, you gotta admit -- this is damn close.
MIKE: Yeah, you're right.
Roger: Liar!
CROW: (laughs) That's *it*??!! That guy's accusing his girlfriend of being unfaithful and that's *all he can say*??!!!
MIKE: Crow...artists, remember? Not too big on words.
Mimi: I was on my way to work
Benny: Black leather and lace!
TOM: I heard dressing down was more acceptable nowadays, but this is ridiculous!
Mimi: 'Cause I kicked him and I told him I wasn't his whore!
CROW: Whose whore exactly are you then?
(He ducks, narrowly avoiding Mike's attempt to clamp his beak shut.)
Roger: I'm not her boyfriend, I don't care what she does!
ALL: Huh????
TOM: If he's not her boyfriend, what was that business about the love code or whatever?
MIKE: Oh you know guys. Only after one thing.
CROW: Yeah, but he's an artist. I thought they were supposed to be sensitive or something.
MIKE: Definitely. But, they're still guys.
CROW: Good point.
Benny: My dog - but I appreciate that
TOM (Benny): Does putting on women's clothes somehow impair your ability to distinguish which animal is which, you James Bond girlfriend/boyfriend wanna-be?
MIKE: Tom, I'm sensing some hidden hostility here...
Benny: It's like losing a - how did you know that she fell?
CROW: I tell you, psychic ability is running *rampant* in this show!
TOM: Must be all those tight clothes. Heighten the senses and all.
Collins: Champagne?
TOM: Can't get your ex-friends to give up their building for your new company?
CROW: Tired of constantly being compared to canines?
MIKE: Try booze!
Benny: Don't mind if I do. To dogs
All but Benny: No Benny - to you!
MIKE: Not a *word* out of *either of you*!
Mark: Friendship is thicker than blood
CROW: And blood is thicker than water.
TOM: So, does that mean friendship is thicker than water?
CROW: Uh...I think so.
(Mike shakes his head, sadly.)
Mimi: Depends on trust
Roger: Depends on true devotion
Joanne: Depends on love
Mark: Depends on not denying emotion
MIKE: No, it just depends on having six attractive, semi-talented actors to act cute and not have sex.
TOM: And make bad movies.
CROW: And demand outrageous increases in salary.
MIKE: Right.
Angel: It's gonna be a happy new year
TOM: Whoa!
CROW: Can we say falsetto?
MIKE: Sorry, wrong show. Right sexual orientation, though.
CROW: Oh.
TOM: Shut up, Crow!
Roger & Mimi: I'm sorry
TOM: She slept with that other guy and all she can say is "I'm sorry"?
CROW: Maybe she's just sorry that he found out.
Maureen: Every single day I walk down the street, I hear people say
CROW: Mooooooo!!!!!
Ever since puberty, everybody stares at me.
TOM: You know what, if I mooed in public, I think people would stare at me too.
A tiger in a cage can never see the sun.
CROW: So, which is she -- a cow or a tiger?
MIKE: They can't mix animal metaphors like that -- it's just too weird!
But hey - don't you want your girl hot?
MIKE: Don't even *think* it, Crow.
'Cause every night - who's in your bed? Who? Who's in your bed?
TOM: I think there's only one right answer here.
CROW: You think she's got memory loss like those other two, even though she doesn't live in that apartment?
TOM: Crow, I have memory loss just from watching this show. What do you think, Mike?
MIKE: Huh? What were you saying again?
Kiss, Pookie.
Joanne: It won't work.
TOM (Joanne): My name isn't Pookie, you self-centered cow/tiger/lesbian performance artist!
I look before I leap. I love margins and discipline. I make lists in my sleep. Baby - what's my sin?
CROW: (sighs) No comment.
Maureen: A control freak
CROW: *Hello kettle*????
Maureen: A lovable, droll geek
TOM: I knew a couple droll geeks in my time.
MIKE: No, you didn't, Tom.
TOM: I know. But it just sounded cool.
Joanne: The straw that breaks my back
CROW: Cow metaphors I can handle. Tiger metaphors are okay. But when you bring in *camel metaphors* you've gone *too far*!!!!!!!!!
Both: I quit
TOM: D'oh! Then, who's going to finish the show?
(Mike shakes his head, sadly.)
Both: Guess I'm leaving. I'm gone
CROW: Please don't tell me they just spent that whole song just saying exactly what they just said in those last two sentences.
MIKE: All right, I won't.
Company: In diapers - report cards
TOM: Hey, it's the number song!
CROW: Where they throw out random things used as units of measurement!
MIKE: And keep repeating something about love over and over again.
CROW (Hippie guy): There's so much love in this song!
MIKE: Just not in this *show*.
Mimi: Without you,
(All groan.)
TOM: Love song alert.
CROW: Great, now we get to hear a description of an apocalyptic world, were the object of desire not to exist.
MIKE: I'd rather just *see* the apocalyptic world. Hearing about it takes too damn long.
TOM (Jerry Maguire): *Show me the apocalypse*!!!!!!!!!!!
the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows. Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly without you.
ALL: Huh???
TOM: Maybe she doesn't like him that much after all.
CROW: No kidding. I mean, nothing is out of the ordinary.
MIKE: There's a catch. Mark my words.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die without you.
(All groan again.)
CROW: Oh no, it's one of those *other* types of songs. Where they describe a perfect world except for the one missing object of desire and that somehow makes it all horrible.
MIKE: That isn't a type of song, Crow -- they just made that up!
TOM: Hmmmph! Artists! Think they can just make up their own song types!
Both: But I know blue. Only blue. Lonely blue. Within me blue
TOM: HEY!!! Like that's a bad thing. That's it, I'm suing this show for discrimination against blue-colored objects.
CROW: Funny, I was thinking of suing it for poor use of animal metaphors.
MIKE: Or excessive use of vinyl.
CROW: Hey, calm down, Mike. No reason to get testy!
The mind churns
TOM: Not half as much as mine is right now.
Life goes on, but I'm gone 'cause I die without you
CROW: So wait a minute...if they'll both die without each other, then they'll both die no matter what, right?
MIKE: Uh...I suppose.
CROW: So that song was nothing but a meaningless waste of my time?
MIKE: Right again.
CROW: Just checking.
Roger & Mark: "Speak!"
ALL: AUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!
MIKE: The answering machine returns!
TOM: We thought we had destroyed its evil powers!
CROW: But it has risen to wreak havoc on the rest of the show!
ALL: We're doomed!!!
Alexi Darling: Just saw Alec Baldwin. Told him you said hi. Just kidding.
CROW: (laughs) I like her! She recites lots of numbers, she makes cash register noises, she pokes fun at these artists! Are you *sure* she's not a real person, Mike?
MIKE: Positive.
We still need directors, you still need money, you know you need money, pick up the phone, don't be afraid of ker-ching, ker-ching.
CROW: Mike--
MIKE: *No*, Crow!
Marky - sell us your soul. Just kidding.
CROW: I love you!
(Mike shakes his head, sadly.)