...continued from Part Six...
Roger: I should tell you I'm disaster
TOM: Oh, you didn't have to tell us that! We figured that out all by ourselves!
I forget how to begin it
MIKE: See? There's the memory loss kicking in again! Remind me never to live in that building.
Roger: I should tell you
Mimi: I should tell you
Roger: I should tell you
ALL: WHAT??? What should you tell???
Mimi: I should tell I blew the candle out just to get back in
Roger: I'd forgotten how to smile until your candle burned my skin
ALL: *That's IT*?????
TOM: I hate this show.
Mimi: I should tell you
Roger: I should tell you
Mimi: I should tell you
Both: I should tell. Well, here we go
MIKE: You know what, I'm not even going to bother.
Now we--
Mimi: Oh no
Roger: I know this something is. Here goes
Mimi: Here goes
Roger: Guess so it's starting to. Who knows--
Mimi: Who knows
Both: Who knows where. Who goes there. Who knows. Here goes
CROW: These are the two most confused people I've ever seen.
TOM: I don't think they've *ever* been in a relationship.
MIKE: Or an English class. I haven't heard this many sentence fragments since riding in a New York City cab!
CROW: Again with the New York City cabs, Mike? Who do you think you are, David Letterman?
Roger: Oh no
Mimi: I know
Roger: Oh no
Both: Who knows where - who goes there. Here goes - here goes. Here goes - here goes. Here goes - here goes
TOM: So wait...what just happened?
MIKE: I honestly don't know, Tom.
Maureen: Pookie?
CROW: Hey, she *does* call her Pookie? Why do I get the feeling that this show is nothing but a random series of meaningless lies and coverups that's a total waste of my time?
MIKE: Because it is.
A Girl: No way to make a living, masochism, pain, perfection, muscle spasms, chiropractors, short careers, eating disorders
CROW: Hey, they just described their careers in this show! That was actually kind of cool!
MIKE: Crow, that's not funny.
All: To faggots, lezzies, dykes, cross-dressers too
MIKE: What did I tell you? Equal opportunity offending.
All: To you and you and you, you, and you.
TOM: What about you, you, you, and you?
CROW: Yeah, and let's not forget you and you.
MIKE: Guys, don't even try.
Let he among us without sin be the first to condemn. La vie Boheme. La vie Boheme. La vie Boheme
CROW: I'll be the first to condemn Lavie Boem. Didn't even show up for her big song!
Mark: The opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation
TOM: And the opposite of a good show isn't a bad show, it's *this* show.
All: La vie Boheme
CROW: Hey, guys, I just thought of something. What if this Lavie Boem isn't a person?
TOM: What do you mean?
CROW: What if it's really the French phrase, pronounced exactly the same way, but meaning "the Bohemian life"?
TOM: That's ridiculous! Shut up, Crow!
MIKE: Yeah, shut up, Crow! I don't know where you got that idea!
Viva la vie Boheme
(Crow shakes his head sadly.)
(All get up and leave their seats for intermission.)
CROW: Okay, let me see if I've got this straight (consults the program for names he doesn't know). Both Collins and Benny were on their way to visit Mark and Roger, but Collins got his coat stolen and was rescued by Angel. Then Roger met Mimi and Mark and Roger met up with Collins and Angel, then Mark met up with Joanne, and then again with Collins and Angel, and then everybody met up with Maureen at her show, and then they all went to dinner, where they met up with Benny.
MIKE: That sounds about right.
TOM: So, so far they've done nothing but meet people and eat food.
MIKE: Uh...yeah.
CROW: But none of them have any money.
TOM: Well, except for Angel.
CROW: Right, but I didn't hear *him* offering to pay the bill.
MIKE: So? Maybe they got a discount or something--
TOM: Right. A frequent non-paying program? Now you *are* dreaming!
CROW: What I want to know is if Roger knows Mimi's name.
MIKE: Heck, *I* wouldn't know Mimi's name if we didn't have these programs.
TOM: Which I don't think he has.
CROW: Maybe she doesn't want him to know her name.
MIKE: You know, if I dressed like that, I wouldn't want people to know my name either.
CROW: Okay. And Angel is really...a girl?
MIKE: A guy.
CROW: Who dresses in women's clothes?
TOM: Yeah, Crow. Duh!
MIKE: They're called "tranvestites".
CROW: Well how am I supposed to know? You keep me locked up on Deep 13 all the time!
MIKE: Speaking of Deep 13, I've got a question. Is $5.00 a normal price for a glass of soda?
TOM: Uh...I think so.
CROW: Right. Let's get back to the issues here. Now, they all hate Benny because...
TOM: He's a sell-out.
MIKE: Yeah, he wants to put condos on top of their building and turn it into a virtual reality center.
TOM: And kick all the homeless people out of the lot next door.
CROW: And that's bad because...? (All think for a moment.)
MIKE: I don't know. I think it's an artist thing.
CROW: Okay. So one more thing: they all live in the same building?
MIKE: Not Benny.
CROW: Right, not Benny, but everybody else does.
TOM: Yeah, I think so.
CROW: So basically, this show is "Part Homosexual, part HIV-positive Starving Artist Friends"?
MIKE: Uh...yeah.
TOM: Minus Jennifer Aniston.
CROW: Ah yes, very important point.
(Lights start flashing on and off.)
ALL: AUUUUUUUUUGHHH!!!!!
MIKE: It's Dr. Forrester calling! But he wasn't supposed to get us until after the show was over!
TOM: I don't wanna go back to Deep 13!
CROW: Me neither, I don't care *how* bad this show gets! Look, I take back everything I said before! This show is really interesting!
TOM: Yeah I can see why it won all those awards!
MIKE: Definitely the best musical of the nineties.
(A patron passes.)
Patron: Hey guys, didn't you see the flashing lights? Get back into the theater before you miss the second act!
(All look confused for a moment.)
MIKE: You mean...that was *supposed* to happen? Like, the *theater* did that?
TOM: It didn't come from an outside source?
Patron: You guys don't go to much theater, do you?
CROW: We don't get out much.
Patron: Uh-huh.
(Exits back into the theater. Mike, Tom, and Crow follow.)
MIKE: Real smooth, Crow. "We don't get out much." Very suave.TOM: I wouldn't feel *too* bad, Mike -- after all, it doesn't look like she does either.
MIKE: What are you talking about?
TOM: Well, I don't know that much about the real world, but don't you think if somebody saw a guy dressed like you with two robots, in the shapes of a bird and a vacuum cleaner, that you'd think that was a little weird?
MIKE: Tom, in the past hour, I've seen a guy dressed in women's clothing, I've seen a woman with the same name as a pronoun, I've seen a guy that has a closer relationship with a musical instrument than most people have with each other, and I've heard a woman moo. Don't talk to me about weird! (The lights dim.)
CROW: Do you think Santa Claus will show up soon?
MIKE: Don't bet on it, Crow.
Company: Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
TOM: What is it with this show and numbers?
MIKE: Ten bucks they add up to 666.
How do you measure - measure a year? In daylights - in sunsets. In midnights - in cups of coffee.
ALL: Huh???
CROW: Since when have cups of coffee become a valid unit of measurement?
How do you measure a year in the life?
MIKE: How about you tell us how you measure a year, *for the love of God*!!!!
TOM: That's it, Mike. You just lost your ticket to "Beverly Hills Ninja".
Soloist #2: In truths that she learned, or times that he cried?
CROW: Now, I'm *sure* that's an artist reference. *Real* men don't cry.
TOM: And dead men don't wear plaid.
CROW: Uh...that too.
In the bridges he burned.
TOM (Beavis): Heh, heh! Fire! Fire!
MIKE: Okay, I get it -- don't read too much into the lyrics! All right already!
or the way that she died?
CROW: Did they just give away the ending?
TOM: Uh...I think so.
CROW: God, I hate this show!
Company: Let's celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends
MIKE: (sings) So no one told you life was gonna be this way. Your t-cell count is low, you're taking T-Z-A
TOM: Mike, isn't that AZT--
MIKE: Shut up, Tom.