(Ext.: Nederlander Theater. Mike, Tom, and Crow are lying down on the ground, part of the long line trying to get tickets for "Rent". Suddenly, people around them start getting up.)
MIKE: C'mon guys, that's us. Get up, it's time to go inside.
TOM: Uhhhh--
MIKE: Dr. Forrester never lets us out, guys, now is our chance to sample some real culture.
CROW: I want to sample some real sleep. What's this about anyway?
MIKE: Uh...I think it's based on an opera--
TOM: Case closed.
MIKE: If you don't get up, when we get home, I'll make *you* spot Dr. Forrester when he does his weight lifts.
(Tom and Crow jump to their feet)
CROW: Wha, where? We're up, we're up! What are we seeing again?
MIKE: Uh..."Rent".
TOM: Who would want to pay money for a show that's about paying money?
MIKE: I guess we'll find out soon enough.
(They get up and walk inside the theater.)
CROW: Do we know anybody in this?
MIKE: No, they're all unknown actors.
TOM: Oh, it's *this* kind of play. It better not be that experimental theater where people pretend to be tables.
MIKE: No, I don't think so...Michelle Pfeiffer went to see it though.
CROW: Say no more -- I like it already!
Mark: December 24th, nine p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
CROW: BEEP! And twenty seconds.
From here on in I shoot without a script. See if anything comes of it instead of my old shit. First shot - Roger tuning the fender guitar he hasn't played in a year.
TOM: Hey, I once hit a fender with my guitar.
MIKE: Tom, you don't *have* a guitar.
TOM: Oh yeah.
Roger: This won't tune...
TOM: And you can't sing.
Mark: So we hear. He's just coming back from half a year of withdrawal
Roger: Are you talking to me?
MIKE (Mark): Uh...no, I'm talking to that *other* guy who lives in this two by four inch apartment!
TOM: Kind of takes on a whole new meaning when you know Robert De Niro owns the movie rights.
CROW (Robert De Niro): You talkin' to *me*, Mark? Are *you* talkin' to *me*?
Mark: Not at all. Are you ready? Hold that focus steady. Tell the folks at home what you're doing Roger-
Roger: I'm writing one great song--
CROW: And that's certainly not it.
Mark: The phone rings.
MIKE: What is this, play-by-play?
CROW: Did Dr. Forrester send us football again?
MIKE (John Madden): POW! He'll remember that one.
Mark: We screen. Zoom in on the answering machine.
TOM: So let me get this straight: they live in this small apartment with no heat, barely any electricity, yet they own one of life's modern conviences.
MIKE: Tom, am I going to have to give you the "Friends" speech again?
Roger & Mark's Outgoing Message: "Speak!"
ALL: SHUT UP!!!!!
Mom: That was a very loud beep.
CROW: Whoa! Did she just swear?
TOM: No, that would be 'that was a very loud 'bleep''.
I don't even know if this is working.
MIKE (Mom): And that's why I'm going to continue to talk.
:CROW (Mom): I forgot to take my medication this morning.
Mark - Mark - are you there, are you screening your calls, it's Mom.
TOM: What kind of guy doesn't know what his own mother sounds like?
CROW: The kind of guy who has an affair with a nurse after his wife divorced him?
MIKE: Crow, have you been staying up past your bedtime?
CROW: I can't help it! "ER" rocks!
Oh and Mark, we're sorry to hear that Maureen dumped you, I say c'est la vie.
CROW: I say, say what?
So let her be a lesbian.
MIKE: If Dr. Forrester sent us "Friends", he will pay!
CROW: So, this is like "Friends", only not very good.
TOM: Let's see. If David Schwimmer shows up, I'm leaving.
Roger: I'm writing one great song --
TOM (Jeff Goldblum): Forget the one great song, you're obsessed with the one great song.
CROW: I don't think even Milli Vanilli could save this guy's career.
Mark: The phone rings.
MIKE (John Madden): And he's down at the twenty!
Roger & Mark's Answering Machine: "Speak!"
ALL: SHUT UP!!!!!
Collins: Chestnuts roasting--
Roger & Mark: Collins!
MIKE (Roger and Mark): Yeah, I know him. He's the one who likes to roast chestnuts.
Collins: Roger picked up the phone?
Mark: No, it's me.
TOM (Alicia Silverstone): Oops! My bad.
Mark: A wild night is now pre-ordained.
CROW: Okay, what you do on your own time is your own business.
Mark: What does he mean? (phone rings) What do you mean - detained?
TOM (Mark): It's not in the dictionary...
Benny: Ho, ho, ho
ALL: Santa Claus!!!
CROW: He'll save this show!
Mark and Roger: Great! Fuck!
CROW: What you do on your own time--
MIKE: Crow, get your mind out of the gutter.
TOM: And back in the toilet where it belongs.
Benny: I need the rent
Mark: What rent?
CROW
Roger: Remember - you lived here?
MIKE (Ronald Reagan): Actually, I don't remember.
TOM: Maybe he needs to treat his Alzeihmers before the AIDS.
Benny: How could I forget? You, me, Collins, and Maureen. How is the drama queen?
CROW: The exposition is flying fast and furiously!
Benny: I know. Still her production manager?
Mark: Two days ago I was bumped
TOM (Black Knight): It's just a scratch.
MIKE (King Arthur): A scratch? Your arm's off!
Benny: She's got a new man?
Mark: Well - no
Benny: What's his name?
Roger & Mark: Joanne
TOM: That poor guy must've been teased a lot as a kid.
Mark: The power blows.
CROW: About as much as this show, I'll bet.
Mark: How do you document real life when real life's getting more like fiction each day?
CROW: My life's getting more like fiction! Last night, I dreamed that Agent Scully did an autopsy on me!
MIKE: That's not fiction, Crow. That's *fantasy*.