...continued from Part Five...
Mark: Dearly beloved we gather here to say our goodbyes
TOM: Whoa! I was just kidding -- I didn't really think it was a person! Sheesh!
Mark: Here she lies, no one knew her worth.
MIKE: How can you think of money at a time like this?
CROW: You're right, that isn't the most tactful thing to say at a funeral.
MIKE: Except that they're burying a lifestyle, not a person.
CROW: Oh right. So...they can say whatever they want?
The late great daughter of Mother Earth.
TOM: What's a great daughter?
MIKE: (thinks) Uh...the daughter of a great mother?
CROW: Or the granddaughter of a great grandmother?
MIKE: No...that would be the mother.
TOM: I hate this show!
In that little town of Bethlehem,
CROW: Oh good, now they're lifting words from hymns. Just when you thought it couldn't get any more *un* original.
we raise our glass, you bet your ass to la vie Boheme
ALL: Huh???
TOM: Who's Lavie Boem?CROW: Maybe *she's* the great daughter.
All: La vie Boheme. La vie Boheme. La vie Boheme.
MIKE: Well, whoever she is, they seem to really like her.
Mark: To days of inspiration, playing hooky, making something out of nothing. The need to express - to communicate.
CROW: Oh I can tell already, I'm not going to like this song!
To going against the grain, going insane, going mad.
TOM: (wearily) Tell us about it.
To loving tension, no pension, to more than one dimension. To starving for attention, hating convention, hating pretension. Not to mention, of course, hating dear old mom and dad.
CROW: Geez, what's with all the rhymes? It makes Dr. Seuss look like an amateur!
TOM: But not in a good way.
To riding your bike midday past the three piece suits - to fruits - to no absolutes - to Absolut - to choice - to the Village Voice - to any passing fad.
MIKE: Another lame reference to their show?
To being an us - for once - instead of a them. La vie Boheme
TOM: So, Lavie Boem is all those things?
CROW: I've gotta meet this chick!
Maureen: Is the equipment in a pyramid?
Joanne: It is, Maureen.
MIKE (Joanne): I shipped it to Egypt, like you asked.
Maureen: The mixer doesn't have a case. Don't give me that face!
CROW: Hey, cat fight! Cat fight!!!
TOM: But...wait...she's not the one who thinks she's a cat.
CROW: Tom, just enjoy the moment!
Maureen: Hey mister - she's my sister.
MIKE: (sings) We are family.
TOM: Yeah, right. A *dysfunctional* family.
CROW (Ricki Lake): Sisters who love each other a little *too* much -- next Ricki Lake.
Restaurant Man: So that's five miso soup, four seaweed salad, three soyburger dinner, two tofu dog platter, and one pasta with meatless balls?
CROW: (sings) And a partridge in a pear tree!
TOM: Say *that* five times fast.
A Boy: Ugh
MIKE: He's either talking about the food or the show.
TOM: Hmmm. That's a tough one, Mike.
Restaurant Man: And thirteen orders of fries. Is that it here?
CROW: So let me get this straight: they don't have the money to pay for this?
MIKE: Right.
CROW: Yet they're being served anyway?
MIKE: Right.
CROW: I hate this show.
All: Wine and beer!
TOM: Here too, please!
Mimi & Angel: To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries
MIKE: Oh good. Another motif I'll have to look for.
To yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese. To leather, to dildos, to Curry Vindaloo. To Heuvos Rancheros and Maya Angelou.
CROW: Who was at the presidential inaguration with Barbra Streisand, who was in "The Prince of Tides" with Nick Nolte, who was in "I'll Do Anything" with Kathy Najimy, who was in "Sister Act" with Whoopi Goldberg, who was in "Ghost" with Demi Moore, who was in "A Few Good Men" with Kevin Bacon!
(Mike shakes his head, sadly.)
Mark: Mucho masturbation
ALL: Whoa!
MIKE: Hey, just 'cause you're diverse doesn't mean you can't be dirty too!
Angel: To Sondheim
TOM: They'd better salute Sondheim, didn't he give them the money to make this show?
CROW: In which case, I'm never seeing anything of his ever again.
Collins & Roger: Ginsberg, Dylan, Cunningham and Cage.
Collins: Lenny Bruce
Roger: Langston Hughes
TOM: You get the feeling they're just throwing out names that rhyme at this point?
MIKE: (acts shocked) Why no, Tom, whatever would ever make you think *that*?
Person #2: To Buddha
CROW: Let's see how many religions we can offend in one song!
Mark & Mimi: Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow to blow off Auntie Em
All: La vie Boheme
TOM: Now I know *that's* wrong. I've seen "The Wizard of Oz" two hundred and seventy-five times and this Lavie Boem was never in it.
MIKE: Tom, that's also too much information.
Mr. Grey: Sisters?
Maureen: We're close
TOM: I don't think that's what those Arrid deodorant commercials mean by "get a little closer".
CROW: Please! If they were any closer--
MIKE: Don't finish that sentence, Crow.
Angel, Collins, Maureen, Mark, Mr. Grey: Brothers!
CROW: Hey, wait! I thought that guy was a girl!
MIKE: Just one of this show's many nuances.
TOM: That suck.
Mark, Angel, Mimi & three others: Bisexuals, trisexuals, Homo sapiens, carcinogens, hallucinogens, men, Pee Wee Herman. German wine, turpentine, Gertrude Stein, Antonioni, Bertolucci, Kurosawa, Carmina Burana
CROW: Okay, it's official. That's more words than I've ever heard in my entire life!
All: To apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstasy. Vaclav Havel - the Sex Pistols, 8BC, to no shame, never playing the fame game
MIKE: Uh huh. Like never going on Letterman. Or Rosie O'Donnell. Or the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade...
All: To sodomy, it's between God and me. To S&M
CROW: Hmmm, maybe this song isn't so bad.
MIKE: CROW!!!
All: La vie Boheme
CROW: I think I'm starting to like this Lavie Boem chick!
Collins: In honor of the death of Bohemia, an impromptu salon will commence immediately following dinner.
TOM: What's this, words? I thought this was supposed to be a musical.
MIKE: I kind of like it better when they sing. Then, at least there's some distraction with the music, even if it is bad.
Mimi Marquez, clad only in bubble wrap, will perform her famous lawn chair-handcuff dance to the sounds of iced tea being stirred.
CROW: On second thought, maybe words aren't so terrible.
Roger: And Mark Cohen will preview his new documentary about his inability to hold an erection on the high holy days.
MIKE: Which brings the total of offended religions to three.
Mark: And Maureen Johnson, back from her spectacular one night engagement at the eleventh street lot, will sing Native American tribal chants backwards through her vocoder while accompanying herself on the electric cello, which she has never studied.
TOM: I'd like to--
MIKE: Don't even start, Tom! I know you don't know what a vocoder is, so don't pretend like you do and save us all the trouble of having to listen to your not very funny yet very overrused joke!
TOM: Actually, I was just going to say I'd like to hear some Native American tribal chants. Geez, Mike -- some people...
Benny: Your new boyfriend doesn't know about us?
Mimi: There's nothing to know
CROW: Uh-oh! The cat and the dog gettin' down in the doghouse!
TOM: Careful, wouldn't want to let the cat out of the bag on this one.
CROW: Or he could wind up in the...dog pound!
MIKE: All right, we get it already!!!!
Mimi: It was three months ago
TOM (Harry): You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?
CROW (Sally): Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?
TOM (Harry): Yes.
CROW (Sally): Who is the dog?
TOM (Harry): You are.
CROW (Sally): I am? I am the dog?
(Mike clamps both their mouths shut.)
Mimi: Where'd he go?
Mark: And Roger will attempt to write a bittersweet evocative song
MIKE: Face it, honey. You're only second string compared to his guitar.
Collins: Angel Dumott Schunard will model the latest fall fashions from Paris, while accompanying herself on the ten gallon plastic pickle tub.
MIKE: Now *that* I'd pay money to see!
All: "Actual Reality - Act up - Fight AIDS"
Benny: Check!
MIKE: Both very eloquent statements to make regarding a life threatening disease. Are you two ready to behave yourselves? (Tom and Crow both nod.) All right, but you understand, I hear one more quote from a Rob Reiner movie, and I'll acquaint you with some duct tape and that's the truth!
CROW (Jack Nicholson): You can't handle the truth!
(Crow ducks, narrowly missing Mike's attempt to clamp his beak shut.)
Mimi: Excuse me, did I do something wrong?
TOM: We hear ya, sister! See, Mike, Rob Reiner movies aren't the be-all and end-all of our lives.
CROW: Just the fabric of our existence. There is a difference.
Roger: I've been trying - I'm not lying
MIKE: No money, no memory, a speech impediment, and bad rhyming ability. Who could ask for anything more?
Mimi: Life's too short - babe - time is flying. I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine.
CROW (Roger): Women! Why does everything always have to match with you?
Both: Baggage - wine--
All: And beer!
MIKE (Chris Farley): Will somebody please get these nice people some alcoholic beverages, *for the love of God*!!!!!!!
Mimi: AZT break
TOM: Subtle. Very subtle.
Roger: You?
Mimi: Me. You?
Roger: Mimi
CROW: Is he ever going to learn her name, or is he just going to keep repeating "me" over and over again?
MIKE: Remember, Crow -- artists like repetition.